Category Archives: Web Writing

Bad Ass Jesus – Navy Seal Team 6

So it was 2011 and Jesus was fucking sick of Osama bin Laden talking shit. Being the son of God he could easily prove to those terrorists that those virgins aren’t waiting for them in heaven because Jesus banged them all. The only virgin awaiting the suicide death of a terrorist was that terrorist’s own butthole, surehole to be loosened by the means of Lucifer himself.

But back on track. Jesus was sick of these select few Muslims making it seems like their two religions were so different, when in actuality, they are both equally as retarded. Jesus knows that he got lucky in being divine, but he can’t seem to understand why such a large group of people think that their creator likes or even thinks of them. To be honest Jesus and God had sort of let earth go until the father sent Christ back to earth for rehab.

So Jesus hopped on Air Force One, made President Obama fetch him a bottle of whiskey and some cocaine, and they were on their way to Afganistan. Obama had no idea where Osama was and neither did Jesus, but Jesus is divine and he was surely going to demonstrate that in a few hours.

They landed in the mountains bordering Pakistan and immediately began marching onto Pakistani territory. Jesus ordered Obama walk with him, no troops. Just Christ and Obama, lighting up motherfuckers. The invisible forcefield Jesus surrounded the two with was impenetrable by any mortal creation, so they marched through the mountains until they came across a man with information. They shoved ketamine up his ass until he gave up Osama’s location. Jesus called SEAL Team Six, which was actually comprised of Jesus, Labron James, Barack Obama, Steven Colbert, and Steve Carell. They all boarded a single helicopter and descended on Osama’s compound.

Jesus killed all the guards at the door with his eyes, James had his mother fuck everyone on the top floor and give them AIDs so they died, Obama held the camera, Colbert banged Osama’s wife, and Carell was there simply to inform bin Laden that he was leaving the show. 

Next, Jesus emerges from the shadows with a Smith and Western. This was icing on the cake with Osama already crying over Carell’s announcement that his final show will be airing on Thursday. Jesus turned the gun sideways and said “Judgement Day’s Over Motherfucker,” and shot him in both eyes.

It was reported in the news that Osama’s body was buried at sea. But Jesus made it look that way and took the real body up to heaven so all the kid angels could have a new puppet when they put on history of mankind shows for the angels.

Angel’s love puppet shows!!!

Advertisements

Bad Ass Jesus – Episode 4: The 4th of July

It was the 4th of July and Jesus was ready to throw a sick rippa’. He wasn’t doing this in reverence to the United States of America, he was doing it just because he thought fireworks were bad ass.

Jesus walked into his local fireworks sales establishment and was utterly disgusted.

“These aren’t fireworks,” Jesus said sternly to the store clerk. “Where the fuck are all these nuclear fireworks I’ve been hearing so much about while I was up in heaven?’

“Sir, only a few world leaders have access to the product you’re looking, and they’re certainly not fireworks. They have the capacity to kill large amounts of humans in an instant.”

“Fuck that shit man I want me some explosives. I’m throwing the biggest 4th of July party the world has ever seen. I’m out of this crap shop.”

Jesus was upset that the local firework shop didn’t sell nuclear weapons, but he had a plan. Recently he read an article in the Washington Post pertaining to the abundance of nuclear weapons North Korea had stored in it’s insane isolationist country. He knew where he was going.

He called his dad up in heaven for some help. God hated North Korea so he was sure to help his son.

“Dad I can’t find any nukes for the 4th of July party I’m throwing and I hear North Korea has some. Anything you can do for me?”

“Sure son. I’ll have your nukes in no time.”

“Thanks paps, you’re a good dad.”

After Jesus hung up the phone, angles immediately began pouring into the atmosphere. They were all hot, nude, and wet in the vagina. Jesus was on erection overload.

As Jesus watched from a fluffy cloud above North Korea, the angels landed on the forbidden grounds and began to clean house. The Kim Jong Il supporters (almost everyone) had their throats slit as the angels chuckled at their worldly ignorance. The others, the ones that detested the government but were forced to keep their mouth’s shut, were sent to live peacefully in South Korea. After the population was controlled and it’s leaders executed in excruciating, suffering, ways, the angels gathered all of North Korea’s nukes and handed them over to Jesus.

“He you are my savior, all the nuclear weapons in North Korea,” the head angel said gracefully to the son of God.

“Bitches be crazy,” Jesus uttered to himself as he walked away from the beautiful, murderous angels.

On the 4th of July Jesus took acid and detonated each and every nuclear bomb he had plundered from North Korea off the coast of Oregon. Millions were in attendance as they watched Kim Jong Il’s nukes go off safely on the horizon. When the show ended, everyone took ecstasy and fornicated. Jesus felt an enormous sense of pride as he gazed over the millions ecstatically penetrating into one another.

With a snap of his fingers, Jesus cleaned up the Pacific Ocean and got rid of each molecule of nuclear waste. North Korea was no longer a problem and America got the fireworks show of a lifetime.

Best 4th of July ever.

 

 

Bad Ass Jesus – Wine Into Water

The sun was shining as Jesus strolled down Main St. in Monterrey, California. It was his last day in town before he was to meet with Governor Arnold in Sacramento to discuss the son of God’s plan to purchase the state of California, relieving the country from this money-wasting state and turning this vast territory into his personal playground. Arnold would returning to Austria and use the money to bribe himself into the position of dictator.

“Bitches be crazy,” said Jesus as they exited the conference room.

“Bitches be crazy,” replied Arnold with a pleasant smile.

The meeting went well. The deal was made and they discussed skynet. Within months they were workout buddies.

Jesus filtered every male out of the state as well as any female that wasn’t super hot. Then he erected a fence that reached to heaven. God-hungry Christians tried to climb the fence, the circulating electricity killed them instantly.

He turned all the wine in Napa Valley into water, and then turned the water into beer. The water was just to impress the ladies. Jesus then shipped all the super hot ladies to San Francisco for a techno party and everyone raved on the Golden Gate Bridge for days. If Jesus were mortal he would have overdosed on cocaine at least three times. But he wasn’t, so there was ample room for substance abuse. God even made an appearance. He was proud of his son for creating a life of his own.

Formerly California, now a country with Jesus as president, he called it “Super Beer Sex Fantasia Island”. We know California isn’t an island, but Jesus does whatever the fuck he wants.