Category Archives: Bad Ass Jesus

Bad Ass Jesus – Episode 2: Dirty Work

It was a warm sunny day and Jesus was at the beach hitting the bong. That was his thinking place. He had a few chips on his shoulder and decided it was time to avenge some past occurrences. Being immortal and possessing infinite intelligence, this was almost too easy. He wanted to start right away, but he was too high. So he took another rip and fell asleep.

He woke up a few hours later and quickly assembled a time machine. After making a few calls to the military, he entered the machine with sniper rifles, machine guns, and more assault rifles than you can imagine. Jesus entered “1 B.C.” did a few lines, and prepared for his act of revenge.

Jesus started his campaign on the outskirts of the Roman Empire. Knowing absolutely everything that ever was and ever will be, Jesus began sniping all that pushed for his crucifixion. All head shots. And after each head shot, he took a shot. He went straight to Pontious Pilate’s estate and gunned down each guard without looking or aiming. The bullets yelled raw power as they moved him closer to his killer.

Within seconds Jesus had assembled his own cross and forced Pilate to carry it into the time machine and back to 2010. Jesus crucified Pontious in Times Square. FOX even did a live broadcast. All of New York partied and ripped blunts with Jesus for 3 days, ending when Pilate finally bled out.

Then Jesus resurrected him, crucified him, partied, resurrected, crucified, and partied even harder. Stephen Colbert was even in attendance. After several years of Revenge Partying and nonstop resurrecting and crucifying, Jesus got bored. More than enough revenge had occurred, and it was time to take care of some other matters.

He cleared his head with ample amounts of LSD and tripped for close to 8 months. When the trip ended, he took a shower and baptized a few babies.

Next time on Bad Ass Jesus

Jesus makes an appearance on Jay Leno and purchases the entire state of California.

Bad Ass Jesus – Pilot

It was mid-afternoon in heaven and Jesus was sparking up his fourth blunt of the day. As always, he was ready to party. He got on his Iphone 6G and started to call some bitches over. They arrived in dozens, each of them with perfectly shaped D-sized breasts. They drank Miller High Life and blazed for hours. The ladies took shots of Grey Goose and Jesus did Yager bombs. The party got heavy when Jesus brought out his guitar and started shredding for the ladies. After a few licks, he made love to each and every one of the women, each of them virgins.

After the massive Jesus sex explosion they all smoked cigarettes in the nude on the front lawn. A few drags in, God came home to find his son and the freshly fornicated women basking in all their sin.

“Jesus. Inside. Now!”, yelled God.

“Fuck you dad. I’m busy. These bitches be on my nuts. Quit cock-blocking”, Jesus roar, doubling the volume of his father’s shout.

Jesus didn’t take shit from no one. He broke out some cocaine and did lines off the ladies chests. He shot birds for no reason, set fire to the kingdom of heaven. Jesus loves fire. Why? Because a raging fire is bad ass.

The afternoon described was one week after his resurrection.

Jesus banged bitches and hit the bong all day and all night every day and every night. He didn’t sleep. He doesn’t have to. All he has to do is party.

But Jesus started to get sick of the same old shit everyday, he was sick of heaven because everyone was so nice and gay. Some days he would walk into angels homes and steal their halos. It was a hobby of his, saving them in his backyard. But this got old too, angels sucked because they never wanted to have any fun.

One night after a super quadruple orgy cycle of orgies, Jesus decided to leave heaven and take the party to earth. He came into the atmosphere like a comet and landed in LA. The first thing he did was bang Angelina Jolie and punch Brad Pitt in the face. He does what he wants when he wants.

Next day Jesus makes his way over to Compton and blazes on porches with the residents of the area. Jesus loved the ghetto. He would buy crack from the corner guys and then blaze that shit with them right then and there.

“Damn Jesus you a generous guy, this shit expensive,” said the salesman.

“Nigga I share the wealth. Where the hoes at round here? Let’s get some PCP up in here and get buck wild.”

“Damn Jesus you sure like to party. I got that shit, now lets go get tha hoes.”

Jesus and the corner salesman walked off into the sunset together, and it was at that moment the savior realized wasn’t going to save shit. He was here to stay, earth was sweet and wanted to fuck shit up all over the place.

He took out his phone and called his dad.

“I’m staying on earth dad. I like it here, bitches be crazy. Don’t give me shit about this or I’ll tell Joe you were the one that got Mary pregnant. Peace pops.”

And so a story begins. Jesus returns to earth in the year 2010. Not to bring deserving individuals to heaven, but to party his fucking face off. The human race is in for one wild ride.