Bad Ass Jesus – Navy Seal Team 6

So it was 2011 and Jesus was fucking sick of Osama bin Laden talking shit. Being the son of God he could easily prove to those terrorists that those virgins aren’t waiting for them in heaven because Jesus banged them all. The only virgin awaiting the suicide death of a terrorist was that terrorist’s own butthole, surehole to be loosened by the means of Lucifer himself.

But back on track. Jesus was sick of these select few Muslims making it seems like their two religions were so different, when in actuality, they are both equally as retarded. Jesus knows that he got lucky in being divine, but he can’t seem to understand why such a large group of people think that their creator likes or even thinks of them. To be honest Jesus and God had sort of let earth go until the father sent Christ back to earth for rehab.

So Jesus hopped on Air Force One, made President Obama fetch him a bottle of whiskey and some cocaine, and they were on their way to Afganistan. Obama had no idea where Osama was and neither did Jesus, but Jesus is divine and he was surely going to demonstrate that in a few hours.

They landed in the mountains bordering Pakistan and immediately began marching onto Pakistani territory. Jesus ordered Obama walk with him, no troops. Just Christ and Obama, lighting up motherfuckers. The invisible forcefield Jesus surrounded the two with was impenetrable by any mortal creation, so they marched through the mountains until they came across a man with information. They shoved ketamine up his ass until he gave up Osama’s location. Jesus called SEAL Team Six, which was actually comprised of Jesus, Labron James, Barack Obama, Steven Colbert, and Steve Carell. They all boarded a single helicopter and descended on Osama’s compound.

Jesus killed all the guards at the door with his eyes, James had his mother fuck everyone on the top floor and give them AIDs so they died, Obama held the camera, Colbert banged Osama’s wife, and Carell was there simply to inform bin Laden that he was leaving the show. 

Next, Jesus emerges from the shadows with a Smith and Western. This was icing on the cake with Osama already crying over Carell’s announcement that his final show will be airing on Thursday. Jesus turned the gun sideways and said “Judgement Day’s Over Motherfucker,” and shot him in both eyes.

It was reported in the news that Osama’s body was buried at sea. But Jesus made it look that way and took the real body up to heaven so all the kid angels could have a new puppet when they put on history of mankind shows for the angels.

Angel’s love puppet shows!!!

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