Bad Ass Jesus – Episode 4: The 4th of July

It was the 4th of July and Jesus was ready to throw a sick rippa’. He wasn’t doing this in reverence to the United States of America, he was doing it just because he thought fireworks were bad ass.

Jesus walked into his local fireworks sales establishment and was utterly disgusted.

“These aren’t fireworks,” Jesus said sternly to the store clerk. “Where the fuck are all these nuclear fireworks I’ve been hearing so much about while I was up in heaven?’

“Sir, only a few world leaders have access to the product you’re looking, and they’re certainly not fireworks. They have the capacity to kill large amounts of humans in an instant.”

“Fuck that shit man I want me some explosives. I’m throwing the biggest 4th of July party the world has ever seen. I’m out of this crap shop.”

Jesus was upset that the local firework shop didn’t sell nuclear weapons, but he had a plan. Recently he read an article in the Washington Post pertaining to the abundance of nuclear weapons North Korea had stored in it’s insane isolationist country. He knew where he was going.

He called his dad up in heaven for some help. God hated North Korea so he was sure to help his son.

“Dad I can’t find any nukes for the 4th of July party I’m throwing and I hear North Korea has some. Anything you can do for me?”

“Sure son. I’ll have your nukes in no time.”

“Thanks paps, you’re a good dad.”

After Jesus hung up the phone, angles immediately began pouring into the atmosphere. They were all hot, nude, and wet in the vagina. Jesus was on erection overload.

As Jesus watched from a fluffy cloud above North Korea, the angels landed on the forbidden grounds and began to clean house. The Kim Jong Il supporters (almost everyone) had their throats slit as the angels chuckled at their worldly ignorance. The others, the ones that detested the government but were forced to keep their mouth’s shut, were sent to live peacefully in South Korea. After the population was controlled and it’s leaders executed in excruciating, suffering, ways, the angels gathered all of North Korea’s nukes and handed them over to Jesus.

“He you are my savior, all the nuclear weapons in North Korea,” the head angel said gracefully to the son of God.

“Bitches be crazy,” Jesus uttered to himself as he walked away from the beautiful, murderous angels.

On the 4th of July Jesus took acid and detonated each and every nuclear bomb he had plundered from North Korea off the coast of Oregon. Millions were in attendance as they watched Kim Jong Il’s nukes go off safely on the horizon. When the show ended, everyone took ecstasy and fornicated. Jesus felt an enormous sense of pride as he gazed over the millions ecstatically penetrating into one another.

With a snap of his fingers, Jesus cleaned up the Pacific Ocean and got rid of each molecule of nuclear waste. North Korea was no longer a problem and America got the fireworks show of a lifetime.

Best 4th of July ever.

 

 

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