Bad Ass Jesus – Wine Into Water

The sun was shining as Jesus strolled down Main St. in Monterrey, California. It was his last day in town before he was to meet with Governor Arnold in Sacramento to discuss the son of God’s plan to purchase the state of California, relieving the country from this money-wasting state and turning this vast territory into his personal playground. Arnold would returning to Austria and use the money to bribe himself into the position of dictator.

“Bitches be crazy,” said Jesus as they exited the conference room.

“Bitches be crazy,” replied Arnold with a pleasant smile.

The meeting went well. The deal was made and they discussed skynet. Within months they were workout buddies.

Jesus filtered every male out of the state as well as any female that wasn’t super hot. Then he erected a fence that reached to heaven. God-hungry Christians tried to climb the fence, the circulating electricity killed them instantly.

He turned all the wine in Napa Valley into water, and then turned the water into beer. The water was just to impress the ladies. Jesus then shipped all the super hot ladies to San Francisco for a techno party and everyone raved on the Golden Gate Bridge for days. If Jesus were mortal he would have overdosed on cocaine at least three times. But he wasn’t, so there was ample room for substance abuse. God even made an appearance. He was proud of his son for creating a life of his own.

Formerly California, now a country with Jesus as president, he called it “Super Beer Sex Fantasia Island”. We know California isn’t an island, but Jesus does whatever the fuck he wants.

Post a comment or leave a trackback: Trackback URL.


  • Posky  On September 21, 2010 at 1:02 AM

    Bitches are crazy, indeed.

    Thank you, Bad Ass Jesus. Thank you for your wisdom.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: