Bad Ass Jesus – Episode 2: Dirty Work

It was a warm sunny day and Jesus was at the beach hitting the bong. That was his thinking place. He had a few chips on his shoulder and decided it was time to avenge some past occurrences. Being immortal and possessing infinite intelligence, this was almost too easy. He wanted to start right away, but he was too high. So he took another rip and fell asleep.

He woke up a few hours later and quickly assembled a time machine. After making a few calls to the military, he entered the machine with sniper rifles, machine guns, and more assault rifles than you can imagine. Jesus entered “1 B.C.” did a few lines, and prepared for his act of revenge.

Jesus started his campaign on the outskirts of the Roman Empire. Knowing absolutely everything that ever was and ever will be, Jesus began sniping all that pushed for his crucifixion. All head shots. And after each head shot, he took a shot. He went straight to Pontious Pilate’s estate and gunned down each guard without looking or aiming. The bullets yelled raw power as they moved him closer to his killer.

Within seconds Jesus had assembled his own cross and forced Pilate to carry it into the time machine and back to 2010. Jesus crucified Pontious in Times Square. FOX even did a live broadcast. All of New York partied and ripped blunts with Jesus for 3 days, ending when Pilate finally bled out.

Then Jesus resurrected him, crucified him, partied, resurrected, crucified, and partied even harder. Stephen Colbert was even in attendance. After several years of Revenge Partying and nonstop resurrecting and crucifying, Jesus got bored. More than enough revenge had occurred, and it was time to take care of some other matters.

He cleared his head with ample amounts of LSD and tripped for close to 8 months. When the trip ended, he took a shower and baptized a few babies.

Next time on Bad Ass Jesus

Jesus makes an appearance on Jay Leno and purchases the entire state of California.

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  • Posky  On August 24, 2010 at 4:49 PM

    More like Super Bad Ass Jesus.

    Again, this is so much better than the standard reading usually offered about the Christ.

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