Bad Ass Jesus – Navy Seal Team 6

So it was 2011 and Jesus was fucking sick of Osama bin Laden talking shit. Being the son of God he could easily prove to those terrorists that those virgins aren’t waiting for them in heaven because Jesus banged them all. The only virgin awaiting the suicide death of a terrorist was that terrorist’s own butthole, surehole to be loosened by the means of Lucifer himself.

But back on track. Jesus was sick of these select few Muslims making it seems like their two religions were so different, when in actuality, they are both equally as retarded. Jesus knows that he got lucky in being divine, but he can’t seem to understand why such a large group of people think that their creator likes or even thinks of them. To be honest Jesus and God had sort of let earth go until the father sent Christ back to earth for rehab.

So Jesus hopped on Air Force One, made President Obama fetch him a bottle of whiskey and some cocaine, and they were on their way to Afganistan. Obama had no idea where Osama was and neither did Jesus, but Jesus is divine and he was surely going to demonstrate that in a few hours.

They landed in the mountains bordering Pakistan and immediately began marching onto Pakistani territory. Jesus ordered Obama walk with him, no troops. Just Christ and Obama, lighting up motherfuckers. The invisible forcefield Jesus surrounded the two with was impenetrable by any mortal creation, so they marched through the mountains until they came across a man with information. They shoved ketamine up his ass until he gave up Osama’s location. Jesus called SEAL Team Six, which was actually comprised of Jesus, Labron James, Barack Obama, Steven Colbert, and Steve Carell. They all boarded a single helicopter and descended on Osama’s compound.

Jesus killed all the guards at the door with his eyes, James had his mother fuck everyone on the top floor and give them AIDs so they died, Obama held the camera, Colbert banged Osama’s wife, and Carell was there simply to inform bin Laden that he was leaving the show. 

Next, Jesus emerges from the shadows with a Smith and Western. This was icing on the cake with Osama already crying over Carell’s announcement that his final show will be airing on Thursday. Jesus turned the gun sideways and said “Judgement Day’s Over Motherfucker,” and shot him in both eyes.

It was reported in the news that Osama’s body was buried at sea. But Jesus made it look that way and took the real body up to heaven so all the kid angels could have a new puppet when they put on history of mankind shows for the angels.

Angel’s love puppet shows!!!

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Bad Ass Jesus – Episode 4: The 4th of July

It was the 4th of July and Jesus was ready to throw a sick rippa’. He wasn’t doing this in reverence to the United States of America, he was doing it just because he thought fireworks were bad ass.

Jesus walked into his local fireworks sales establishment and was utterly disgusted.

“These aren’t fireworks,” Jesus said sternly to the store clerk. “Where the fuck are all these nuclear fireworks I’ve been hearing so much about while I was up in heaven?’

“Sir, only a few world leaders have access to the product you’re looking, and they’re certainly not fireworks. They have the capacity to kill large amounts of humans in an instant.”

“Fuck that shit man I want me some explosives. I’m throwing the biggest 4th of July party the world has ever seen. I’m out of this crap shop.”

Jesus was upset that the local firework shop didn’t sell nuclear weapons, but he had a plan. Recently he read an article in the Washington Post pertaining to the abundance of nuclear weapons North Korea had stored in it’s insane isolationist country. He knew where he was going.

He called his dad up in heaven for some help. God hated North Korea so he was sure to help his son.

“Dad I can’t find any nukes for the 4th of July party I’m throwing and I hear North Korea has some. Anything you can do for me?”

“Sure son. I’ll have your nukes in no time.”

“Thanks paps, you’re a good dad.”

After Jesus hung up the phone, angles immediately began pouring into the atmosphere. They were all hot, nude, and wet in the vagina. Jesus was on erection overload.

As Jesus watched from a fluffy cloud above North Korea, the angels landed on the forbidden grounds and began to clean house. The Kim Jong Il supporters (almost everyone) had their throats slit as the angels chuckled at their worldly ignorance. The others, the ones that detested the government but were forced to keep their mouth’s shut, were sent to live peacefully in South Korea. After the population was controlled and it’s leaders executed in excruciating, suffering, ways, the angels gathered all of North Korea’s nukes and handed them over to Jesus.

“He you are my savior, all the nuclear weapons in North Korea,” the head angel said gracefully to the son of God.

“Bitches be crazy,” Jesus uttered to himself as he walked away from the beautiful, murderous angels.

On the 4th of July Jesus took acid and detonated each and every nuclear bomb he had plundered from North Korea off the coast of Oregon. Millions were in attendance as they watched Kim Jong Il’s nukes go off safely on the horizon. When the show ended, everyone took ecstasy and fornicated. Jesus felt an enormous sense of pride as he gazed over the millions ecstatically penetrating into one another.

With a snap of his fingers, Jesus cleaned up the Pacific Ocean and got rid of each molecule of nuclear waste. North Korea was no longer a problem and America got the fireworks show of a lifetime.

Best 4th of July ever.

 

 

Bad Ass Jesus – Wine Into Water

The sun was shining as Jesus strolled down Main St. in Monterrey, California. It was his last day in town before he was to meet with Governor Arnold in Sacramento to discuss the son of God’s plan to purchase the state of California, relieving the country from this money-wasting state and turning this vast territory into his personal playground. Arnold would returning to Austria and use the money to bribe himself into the position of dictator.

“Bitches be crazy,” said Jesus as they exited the conference room.

“Bitches be crazy,” replied Arnold with a pleasant smile.

The meeting went well. The deal was made and they discussed skynet. Within months they were workout buddies.

Jesus filtered every male out of the state as well as any female that wasn’t super hot. Then he erected a fence that reached to heaven. God-hungry Christians tried to climb the fence, the circulating electricity killed them instantly.

He turned all the wine in Napa Valley into water, and then turned the water into beer. The water was just to impress the ladies. Jesus then shipped all the super hot ladies to San Francisco for a techno party and everyone raved on the Golden Gate Bridge for days. If Jesus were mortal he would have overdosed on cocaine at least three times. But he wasn’t, so there was ample room for substance abuse. God even made an appearance. He was proud of his son for creating a life of his own.

Formerly California, now a country with Jesus as president, he called it “Super Beer Sex Fantasia Island”. We know California isn’t an island, but Jesus does whatever the fuck he wants.

Bad Ass Jesus – Episode 2: Dirty Work

It was a warm sunny day and Jesus was at the beach hitting the bong. That was his thinking place. He had a few chips on his shoulder and decided it was time to avenge some past occurrences. Being immortal and possessing infinite intelligence, this was almost too easy. He wanted to start right away, but he was too high. So he took another rip and fell asleep.

He woke up a few hours later and quickly assembled a time machine. After making a few calls to the military, he entered the machine with sniper rifles, machine guns, and more assault rifles than you can imagine. Jesus entered “1 B.C.” did a few lines, and prepared for his act of revenge.

Jesus started his campaign on the outskirts of the Roman Empire. Knowing absolutely everything that ever was and ever will be, Jesus began sniping all that pushed for his crucifixion. All head shots. And after each head shot, he took a shot. He went straight to Pontious Pilate’s estate and gunned down each guard without looking or aiming. The bullets yelled raw power as they moved him closer to his killer.

Within seconds Jesus had assembled his own cross and forced Pilate to carry it into the time machine and back to 2010. Jesus crucified Pontious in Times Square. FOX even did a live broadcast. All of New York partied and ripped blunts with Jesus for 3 days, ending when Pilate finally bled out.

Then Jesus resurrected him, crucified him, partied, resurrected, crucified, and partied even harder. Stephen Colbert was even in attendance. After several years of Revenge Partying and nonstop resurrecting and crucifying, Jesus got bored. More than enough revenge had occurred, and it was time to take care of some other matters.

He cleared his head with ample amounts of LSD and tripped for close to 8 months. When the trip ended, he took a shower and baptized a few babies.

Next time on Bad Ass Jesus

Jesus makes an appearance on Jay Leno and purchases the entire state of California.

Bad Ass Jesus – Pilot

It was mid-afternoon in heaven and Jesus was sparking up his fourth blunt of the day. As always, he was ready to party. He got on his Iphone 6G and started to call some bitches over. They arrived in dozens, each of them with perfectly shaped D-sized breasts. They drank Miller High Life and blazed for hours. The ladies took shots of Grey Goose and Jesus did Yager bombs. The party got heavy when Jesus brought out his guitar and started shredding for the ladies. After a few licks, he made love to each and every one of the women, each of them virgins.

After the massive Jesus sex explosion they all smoked cigarettes in the nude on the front lawn. A few drags in, God came home to find his son and the freshly fornicated women basking in all their sin.

“Jesus. Inside. Now!”, yelled God.

“Fuck you dad. I’m busy. These bitches be on my nuts. Quit cock-blocking”, Jesus roar, doubling the volume of his father’s shout.

Jesus didn’t take shit from no one. He broke out some cocaine and did lines off the ladies chests. He shot birds for no reason, set fire to the kingdom of heaven. Jesus loves fire. Why? Because a raging fire is bad ass.

The afternoon described was one week after his resurrection.

Jesus banged bitches and hit the bong all day and all night every day and every night. He didn’t sleep. He doesn’t have to. All he has to do is party.

But Jesus started to get sick of the same old shit everyday, he was sick of heaven because everyone was so nice and gay. Some days he would walk into angels homes and steal their halos. It was a hobby of his, saving them in his backyard. But this got old too, angels sucked because they never wanted to have any fun.

One night after a super quadruple orgy cycle of orgies, Jesus decided to leave heaven and take the party to earth. He came into the atmosphere like a comet and landed in LA. The first thing he did was bang Angelina Jolie and punch Brad Pitt in the face. He does what he wants when he wants.

Next day Jesus makes his way over to Compton and blazes on porches with the residents of the area. Jesus loved the ghetto. He would buy crack from the corner guys and then blaze that shit with them right then and there.

“Damn Jesus you a generous guy, this shit expensive,” said the salesman.

“Nigga I share the wealth. Where the hoes at round here? Let’s get some PCP up in here and get buck wild.”

“Damn Jesus you sure like to party. I got that shit, now lets go get tha hoes.”

Jesus and the corner salesman walked off into the sunset together, and it was at that moment the savior realized wasn’t going to save shit. He was here to stay, earth was sweet and wanted to fuck shit up all over the place.

He took out his phone and called his dad.

“I’m staying on earth dad. I like it here, bitches be crazy. Don’t give me shit about this or I’ll tell Joe you were the one that got Mary pregnant. Peace pops.”

And so a story begins. Jesus returns to earth in the year 2010. Not to bring deserving individuals to heaven, but to party his fucking face off. The human race is in for one wild ride.